Thirty Ways
by LunaShadowWolf13
Summary: Thirty Ways To Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co played out! Crackfic! Collection of oneshots about how to annoy the Merlin crew! Original list by Kitty O. NO SLASH! T cuz I can.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- Okay, people! I've only written angst so far, so I decided to surprise you with this crackfic!**

**Every chapter will be a oneshot spawned from Kitty O's Thirty Ways To Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co! I thank her for allowing me to use them! At the top will be who it is Evelynn, my character who will execute the lists, is going to annoy. Then there will be the action she will do.**

**DO NOT STEAL EVELYNN! SHE IS MY CHARACTER!**

**Ahem. Now, enjoy! **

Uther

ONE When he starts his magic-is-evil spiel, talk along with him. When he glares at you, tell him innocently that you know the words too- you've memorized them!

Evelynn was bored. She, being one who like to read, stumbled across a book in the old bookstore. _Thirty Ways To Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co_. She decided to take those things and spice up her life a little, seeing as Camelot was not being attacked by undead armies and such. She would also end up keeping everyone on their toes.

Evelynn crept behind the pillar. In the throne room, Uther was just about to give his repetitive speech about how magic is evil to Arthur. She stepped out in front of the stone, drawing his and everyone else's attention as she recited the spiel with Uther in perfect sinc.

"Arthur, you know magic is evil. It corrupts all those who practice it..."

Evelynn withdrew a glare and deep scowl from the King. Cocking her head, she innocently stated, "I know the words too- I've memorized them!" With that she sped out the doors, leaving behind a confused prince, an outraged king, and an amused manservant in her wake.

**A/N- There we are! Please review!**

**~L~**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- Oh, can't you just tell Evelynn is going to have some fun? I decided to do a double update since I am in a giving mood!**

Uther

TWO Whenever insulted, refer to someone as a "troll" within his hearing. Then look ashamed and say, "I'm sorry; Uther has a _special affection_ for trolls, doesn't he?"

The young lady was talking to a noble. Evelynn wasn't very happy, but she knew she had to be insulted for this to work. So, she waited until the right moment, just as the king was coming into hearing range, to ask the noble, "Tell me the truth; is this a horrible dress?" It was bright yellow with lime green swirls, not very pretty at all. In fact, Evelynn had only bought this for this plan. As soon as it was done, the dress was doing to be burnt into nothing but ashes.

Thankfully, the noble didn't like it either. "That is one terrible gown. Why do you wear it?"

Evelynn slyly said that what she was about to say was not to be taken literally and was all in good fun. The noble nodded. Evelynn launched part two of her plan. "How dare you? You are such a troll!" Almost immediately, Evelynn cast her eyes downwards, the picture of pure humiliation and shame. "I'm sorry;" she said, still loud enough for Uther to hear her. "Uther has a _special affection_ for trolls, doesn't he?"

The king's face turned an interesting shade of red; apparently he didn't think that that was so funny. Bidding a quick farewell, Evelynn left the noble who was trying not to show any signs of amusement. She slid rapidly and gracefully away from Uther, evading every one of his attempts to find her. She succeeded with her scheme- even the king's own son was trying to hold back chortles while his manservant went red in the face with suppressed laughter.

For at least three weeks people were gossiping about her little stunt.

**A/N- Yep. Trolls. Next time- Evelynn says the 'm' word around to the king! That does not bode well for Uther. See ya next update!**

**Please review!**

**~L~**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- I have decided to underline the person and actions. Also, if two go together, I will combine them like I did here. Again, I did not come up with any of these ideas, I just made them come to life! All credit goes to Kitty O!**

**Benugan! (Olde English for Enjoy!)**

Uther

THREE When he asks you for anything, reply in in a sing-song voice, "What's the _MAGIC_ word?"

FOUR After you do number 3, clamp your hand over your mouth in exaggerated horror and cry, "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! DON'T KILL ME!"

Evelynn was acting as though she was done with the pranks, when in truth she had just begun. Still, everyone thought there would be no more annoying of the king. That just set up her next action.

Standing in the courtyard, Uther was addressing his son. "Arthur, I need you to escort Morgana to her rooms. I don't want her to be attacked by the sorcerer on the loose."

Recently, someone had witnessed Merlin using magic to protect the prince. He had brought this to the king, though he had not seen the warlock's face to tell him exactly who it was. All the castle had been on high alert. (Yes, Morgana hadn't betrayed them yet. Yet. But she was still evil.)

For no apparent reason, the king's ward smirked.

"Of course Father," Arthur replied. Uther turned to Evelynn, thinking it a good idea to have someone else protect her, since he had seen Evelynn with a sword and knew she had three hidden daggers in the folds of her gown.

"Lady Evelynn, would you join Arthur and Morgana?"

Evelynn leaned forward just a tiny bit. "What's the «MAGIC» word?" Then she widened her eyes, horror in her expression, yet a glimmer of humour in her eys. She clamped her hands over mouth, eyebrows raised. "I'M SORRY!" she exclaimed. "I DIDN'T MEAN IT! DON'T KILL ME!"

Evelynn dropped to her knees, and, obviously faking sincerity, rambled on about how she didn't mean to say that word and she didn't want to be killed. Uther left her on the ground, stomping all the way to his rooms, muttering about how he was going to 'lose his temper with that girl'.

Outside, once the king was out of sight, every one burst into laughter as Merlin helped Evelynn up. Even Morgana had to laugh.

**A/N- Hehe!**

**Next- Evelynn has a bit of fun regarding Uther's cape!**

**Please review!**

**~L~**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N- Uther and his cape… Almost as bad as Uther and his gloves! XD**

**Benugan!**

Uther

FIVE. Ask if he thinks the cape makes him sexy.

SIX. When he denies it, pat him on the shoulder and say that you don't blame him; you think so too!  
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Evelynn was currently watching the proceedings of the court right now. They were discussing a group of bandits seen in the Darkling Woods. Using a few gold coins, she had bribed the king's manservant into dressing him in his longest cape.

Uther dismissed everyone but the prince, his manservant, and Sir Leon. Since Leon was there, her actions were sure to be spread around Camelot like wildfire.

Slithering out of the shadows, Evelynn gracefully curtsied to the king, who inclined his head in acknowledgement.

"Sire, if I may ask you a question?" she began calmly.

"Of course, Lady Evelynn, what is it?"

Looking perfectly innocent, Evelynn said, "Do you think the cape makes you look sexy?"

A muffled chortle sounded from the nearby wall, no doubt coming from Merlin. For a few long moments, Uther stuttered and flustered for words. "No! Of course not!" he was finally able to choke out.

Evelynn took a couple steps forward and patted him on the shoulder."I don't blame you; I think so too!" She curtsied, leaving the room and preparing herself for the inevitable gossip, enjoying the look on the king's face- it was priceless!

**XD**

**Please review!**

**~L~**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N- Sorry I haven't updated for a while! I could give you a long winded explanation but I really don't think you care, so**

**Benugan!**

**Uther**

**SEVEN After Goloris has been brought up, and especially if Morgana is in the room, ask him chipperly if he know the story of King David and his betrayal of his soldier Uriah.* (*This can be found in 2 Samuel 11:1 and the rest of the chapter)**

**EIGHT If he denies it, look delighted and tell him the story of how David got his soldier's wife pregnant, and then he sent the soldier to be killed... Here, trail off and look at Morgana with wide eyes.**

Evelynn walked quietly into the room. She sat near Morgana, looking out over the plates of food. She had bribed a kitchen chef to make some of Goloris' favorite foods. Just as she had planned, conversation strayed that way eventually, though a lot slower than she had hoped.

"You know Morgana," the king began. "I do believe your father enjoyed many of these delicacies."

Evelynn tried to hide her grin as Morgana agreed.

"Sire, might I ask you a question?" the lady asked.

Looking a bit wary, Uther answered, "Of course. Speak your mind."

"Do you know the story of King David and his betrayal of the soldier Uriah?" she asked chipperly.

"Unfortunately, I do not. Would you care to enlighten me?"

Evelynn looked positively delighted. "I would love to!"

For half an hour she talked, going into detail about how King David got his soldier's wife pregnant, then sent Uriah to be killed. Towards the end of her tale she stared with wide eyes at Morgana.

"Leave me!" the king eventually bellowed. Both women stood up, curtsied, and walked quickly out of the room.

Outside, Morgana gave Evelynn a confused look. "Why did he react like that?"

The girl smiled mischievously. "I'm sure you'll find out soon enough."

Evelynn walked away.

**A/N- So there you go guys! And… girls. Whatever. You understand me. Don't you? Don't you? *hopeful and a bit scared***


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